Exhausted with Life but Still Changing and Growing

This was originally posted on April 06, 2015

Wow! It really has been at least a year since I last posted something on here. Disappointed with myself. Anyways, I’ve been extremely busy with my life in both physical ways and mentally. Currently right now, I am taking both general chemistry and molecular biology and will soon move on to organic chemistry and organism level biology. There goes my social life... even though majority of it is already gone by now.. But this past year has been a really rewarding experience and I’ve gained insights of life and with my philosophies changing, I can already see myself changing. The reason I’ve started everything else on here and everything that’s related to it, it was all to change myself.. I’m an introverted person but I’d rather change my shyness when I’m around people. I’ll talk about it more in a bit later but everything I did on here did change me a little bit. But it wasn’t enough. For now, I’m just here to talk about the current status of myself, to see where I am today and to see how much I’ve grown each time I post something big like this.


So far, I have been getting stronger since the last time I’ve posted on here though it’s not quite relevant at all. It’s simply just a place marker. Ever since I’ve taken a dance class, I’d like to believe the way I’m thinking of things are different now. It is said that dancing gives you more confidence so I can see that change. Other than that, muscles and abs are growing but not enough. I’ve been through tougher situations in martial arts since the grandmaster used to be the air force and I’m pretty sure a lot of strict things happened there.


Now here is where things get actually real. Let me start out with a dream during a night I had a few months ago. I was giving out a speech to my club. My parents were there which are the source of my shyness but mainly my dad cause he’s a strict Asian dad. Anyways, I wasn’t able to deliver my speech cause my dad kept giving me problems and criticizing me. Now these things happen a lot when I’m in the car with my dad. I’d like to avoid these conversations cause I just can’t bring myself to say that he’s the problem. Going back to my speech, I just yelled at my dad to leave cause he’s not making these things easier for me and that it’s much better for him to leave! There was a pause, I apologized and continued where I had left off on my speech. My mom was still there but it wasn’t easy to deliver it with her still there. In the end, the speech was fantastic even though my mom was still there and it was all because my dad left.

Now all of this already says that my subconscious knows that the source of my shyness is my dad. But how do I deal with confronting the problem itself? I don’t. At least... Not yet.. I joined clubs at my school but there’s no point of breaking your bubble if you don’t start interacting with people yourself. I still do have that problem myself and it’s hard to get over it cause socially, I really suck at starting conversations and maybe in the middle of it! That’s why it’s hard for me to give commentary for gaming videos cause I don’t know what to think of and I honestly need interaction with people. Even at a major event for my club, Circle K International, at District Convention last week. Outside of learning things from workshops, it’s really hard for me to talk to people unless they come to me first. Then things turn around and I get a lot more comfortable. Now they just bursted my bubble. That’s a pretty good feeling they gave me. But this mental scar my dad gave me when I was a toddler with all these strict rules and whatnot, it’s hard to get over the feeling of doing something wrong when I first start something. I’d like to have people help me start it first which is why I’ve been looking for ways to change that feeling, to be a different person but still have same personality in me that still says that I’m still me and not some complete stranger.

I’ve learned a bunch of different philosophies from different people in terms of interaction with people and changing the personalities of yourself. But the most impacting one was not from a person, it was from an anime, Hunter X Hunter. A pretty philosophical anime and one of the best I’ve ever watched. Anyways, there’s this line that stood out to me in one of the very last episodes. With a friend, when you apologize, you apologize and you promise to do things differently next time. That way of thinking is just what I needed to change myself. If I’m doing something and I feel if it’s not working, I need to something about it. If people teach you methods on how to do things, modify the things around it a little bit. The system works itself, it’s just how you deliver it, that is the problem.

So a friend of mine had led me to a certain organization (whose name I shall not reveal yet and the fact that my brain is currently fried at the moment right now so things I might say from this point on might sound a little funny) which one of its main focuses is interpersonal development. That is one of the things I had been searching for since last year and it seemed that I had nothing to lose. I didn’t. I learned a bunch of people’s philosophies and met people that used to be a lot shyer than I am (though I’m afraid of people judging me and criticism that they have that they keep to themselves which keeps me wondering). One of the philosophies is to “in order to be confident, you have to be ignorant as well.” I constantly think about the things of what people might think of me after and how to make a good impression. Now with that quote in mind, I still kept thinking of how people would judge me. But that was before. Now with the philosophy of what I said earlier, if I don’t do things differently, I’m not gonna get anywhere so I need to change the way on how I do these things. And so that’s what I’m doing right now, at least in other stuff, just not... with interpersonal development. I still need to work on that.

But with these things in mind, you obviously can’t just change right away. You need to put them into action which I still need the time to do so since I’m currently busy at this point. You need first hand experience to know the problems that you’ll face and fix them. They say in business when starting one, 9 out of the 10 times you fail but higher risk equals higher reward. So what makes them successful? They keep trying. You learn from your mistakes and you start again. It’s really hard I think when it comes to people. Again, first impression. They’ll still remember about the kind of person you are. Honestly, I’ve never thought about fixing the impression since I usually move on to the next person. But that next person might be different so what are you going to do? I still don’t know yet since I’m still learning from my mistakes but I will soon know the answer to this given time.

Now that I have a bio and chem test coming up this week. I should really be sleeping by now. Instead I’m writing this for you all to know but more importantly, myself. Because the things of who I am right now will affect me for the rest of my life and that really is an important factor when it comes with networking with people in person which I also have trouble with doing due to my shyness. Now that I think about it, my character is also transferred when I’m playing MMOs a long while back. That judgement from people though.

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